How to survive Summer Break with kids....

Summer break has officially begun people!

This is what I call a serious "fight or flight" situation.  Therefore there can be 2 reactions: I can either lock myself in the bathroom, curled up in the fetal position while sobbing hysterically OR I can suck it up and make the best of it.

Since having a complete meltdown doesn't work well with the spawn (it makes them think they're in total control), I have no choice but to make the best of a “horrible” situation.

 So here are some of my best tips for surviving Summer Break with your spawn....

a)  Chances are that the kids had some type of celebration at school the Friday before break began.  You know, the one when the teachers shipped your kids home to you with a shit load of candies, as they smiled and waved a friendly goodbye to their “adorable” students? 

Never mind that the director and teachers were all high-5'ing each other and giggling hysterically as the last student left school, because that's when the REAL party began as they popped open the Champagne and played a nasty adult version of Twister. (yeah no worries my mind goes in weird places sometimes!)

And if you are like me, you hid that bag of candies the second upon returning home, right?

So, the morning that you are home with the kids at approximately 8:00 am, break out the candy my dear friends!!!!.  This will buy you enough time to perhaps shower and eat breakfast and have you well deserved coffee.  It'll take the spawn roughly 30 minutes to consume all the candy and then what will follow will be what I like to refer to as "the sugar coma".

The sugar coma lasts for about 25 minutes and 45 seconds.  Enjoy it.  Have that 2nd cup of coffee.  Oh yeah, You'll need it.

b) Have plenty of activities planned that you can casually mention every time they misbehave.  Like, going to the movies, have a picnic at the park, Euro Disney!

Try this..."Uh kids, if you  keep bickering, I'm afraid we won't be able to go to the movies".....or play at the park,  poke the dog, whatever.  Make it sound like they're really missing out on something good.

c)  Actually, have plenty of activities planned for real....or else,  you will get your ass kicked and handed back to you on a silver platter by those same spawn.

Some activities to do: 

·         Go to a water park

·         Open the front and back doors and tell them to run around the house, in and out, quickly 10 times (be sure to lock both doors on the 5th round, while they're still outside...that's KEY)

·         Go on a treasure hunt (and tell them they can't come back until they find Mommy's sanity)

·         Walk around a market while eating free samples (what I like to call "the poor man's lunch")

·         Take them to the gym with you and let your trainer beat them into submission while you enjoy a strenuous stroll on the treadmill

·         Cook with them (try not to lose your mind while repeatedly warning "don't eat the raw meat or you'll die of salmonella poisoning")

 Some activities they will find more enjoyable: 

·         Smelling each other's asses to see whose smells the worst

·         Jumping into the humongous pile of clean laundry you just sorted or the bed that you have just made for the 50^th time!

·         Hiding your beloved bottle of wine

·         Screaming so loudly that the neighbors have considered calling the copsat least 3 times in the last hour

·         Digging up their boogers

·         Frightening the family dog so badly that she refuses to leave your bedroom where the only door we have is for days

·         Telling their grandparents how mom and dad are being rude to them, believe their grandchildren are the most precious and sweetest children alive

d) Be okay with the fact that they will probably not brush their teeth, change their underwear for 2 whole months if you did not insist on it.  Maybe OK for some you guys – but not for me… I’m trying, but my OCD keeps kicking in.

e) Stock up the wine.  Have your anti-depressant prescription refilled early.  And be sure to have plenty of chocolate, ice cream, cookies (hell, whatever your necessary evil is!) on hand to enjoy during those moments when you begin to think that coming back as an White-faced Saki Monkey  in your next life sounds like a darn good plan.

WARNING: if you are having these thoughts, this is a sign that you are dangerously close to completely losing your mind.  In fact, you might want to have the local psych ward on speed dial, just in case.

f) Go ahead and let your neighbors, who don't have spawn living at home know  that it's Summer Break.  Apologize ahead of time for making their lives miserable for the next coming weeks.

While you are busy doing this, go ahead and give them your most recent picture so they can be sure to share it with the news reporters and local police when you go missing, after finally having followed through with that threat you're constantly making, "If you all don't calm down and find something to do, I'm gonna throw myself into an oncoming traffic".

g) Realize that Summer Break only happens ONCE A YEAR...thank you Lord

h) Last but not least, count down the days on the calendar until the spawn return to school , give yourself permission to do nothing else but sit on the sofa and stare at the wall come that day.

Or you can spend your quiet time googling "possibilities to grow back brain cells after having been subjected to extremely loud noises, God-awful smells and horrendous sights for 60 days straight?" and "What will happen to me if I ever lose my sense of humor?"

Pick your poison and Enjoy the holidays!!!!

But don’t forget kids grow fast – and before you know it, they won’t need you anymore, so cherish all of this moments because life with kids isn’t so bad after all :o)