I wonder where they are….

Who am I talking about? My neighbors! We’ve been leaving in this house since January of last year, yet I rarely see the neighbors. My mom-in- law always brags about the fact that she has wonderful neighbors that always want to give her a hand in her yard or are just inviting her for drinks, why is this not happening at my place?

Maybe you’ll give me an explanation after you read this…

On any given day, if you just happen to be strolling by our house, you may hear me making the following statements to the kids...

1. "It's not your fault?! Really?!  Well, then who's fault is it then?  Oh wait, let me guess...Jesus told you to do it, right?"
2. "Here's the phone...why don't you call the Wicked Witch and tell her how horrible I am for making you clean up the juice you just spilled?!  Maybe she'll take you back to her castle, bake you a batch of cookies and force her flying monkeys to dance for you."
3. "Can someone PLEASE drop a hammer on my head so I can check into the ER for a few hours and get a damn' break?"
4.  "God called.  He told me to remind you guys that he watches you all year long and he is NOT happy when you DEMAND that your tired mother cut the crusts off your sandwiches...(or whatever else I'm trying to manipulate them with)"
5. "Are you seriously trying to drive me insane on purpose?"
6. "You don't like what I'm serving for dinner?  Then get a job and buy your own food".
7. "Dude, I'm telling you, one more time...THOSE. PANTS. ARE TOO SMALL.  But if you want to wear pants that are way too tight, FINE! But don't come crying to me when you're bent over suffering from a crippling case of painful gas after you eat breakfast."
8. "If you kids need me, I'll be locked in my bedroom in the fetal position, sucking my thumb."
9. "It is bedtime.  So PLEASE stay in your bed!  I don't care if you're thirsty or have to go potty! GO. TO. SLEEP. NOW."
10. "Kids, I can see the moon.  It must be time for bed.  I don't care if it's only 6:30.  If the moon is out, it's time to go to sleep.  I'm pretty sure that's a law...somewhere".
11. "Someone left the fridge open...again!  Did I miss the memo that electricity is free today?"
12. "How many times have I told you not to leave your toys all over the floor?!  The Toy Fairy is coming by later tonight when you're in bed and snatch up your toys....but not before she flings a juicy, green booger on each of your pillows while you sleep".
13. "Well, well, well, thank you for allowing me to have the privilege of wiping your butt for you.  What would I do with myself if you ever learned how to do it on your own!  I'd probably cry hysterically all day long."
14. "Daddy's not here, he's at work.  I'm in charge.  Actually, I'm in charge even when Daddy is here.  You're ALL my little puppets...*insert evil laughter here*".