It was last November 2010, I was sitting in my bed, talking on the phone with my friend Peta when I began to cry. I wasn’t just crying with Peta listening to me, I was crying out to God. I know sometimes when our feelings and our despair begins to show, we can become embarrassed and privare. Peta knew my heart, so I felt I could be real to her…
I told her everything the good and mostly the bad that had been happening in my life for the past 3 years. I told her that I felt ashamed of whom I had become. I knew I had no right to complain. After all, I have so many wonderful things going on in my life, but I couldn’t stop myself going into a dark place sometimes… After a long talk with Peta, I realized what had been the problem. I had been lying to myself and others… I had become someone else, and I wanted to go back at just being me, JOY.
I learned about God 16 years ago, I since then never doubted His existence. Still, for many years I decided I didn’t want Him in my life… But I now realize that even though I did not want Him around, as my best friend, He never let me down, and was always there, whenever I needed him even though I wasn’t being good…
The first time I really felt His presence was almost 9 years ago. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years. I was hurt, sad, and very angry. I blamed God for my misery, I felt like I had been fooled… I was telling myself, well if God exist and really care, why is my life turning out to be this mess?! So one evening, I was in my room and I talked to Him, I told Him: I’m giving you one last chance to make it right, I need you to send me someone good, someone who will always be by my side or WE ARE OVER! I know that’s my bad character that showed up that evening, I know I’m not suppose to blackmail THE BIG BOSS… But I believe He heard me, a week later I met my other half, a wonderful man who is always there whatever comes towards me…
The second time was a bit more than 5 years ago, I already had 3 miscarriages and I was about to give up trying to get pregnant. Other half took me to Spain, he wanted me to rest and heal. He was sick during our whole vacation, but there was this one night, just one where we made love and after when he was asleep I prayed… I said to My Father: when I get back home, I’ll stop trying for a baby even though this is my biggest wish, so if you hear my prayer tonight, please Lord grant me my wish… My period never came, I was pregnant of Arthur and I knew this pregnancy would be all fine…
The third time was 4 years ago, other half and I just came back from our honeymoon trip… We had discussed having a second child and we agreed that I would stop taking my pill, which I did. Granted it took me more than a year to concieve Arthur, I never thought coming back from our trip that I would be pregnant, but it was the case! I wasn’t ready, I didn’t think it would come so fast. Other half supported me for 9 months, when I learned I was having a baby girl, I panicked even more… During my whole teenage years my mom and I didn’t have the best of relationship, I was afraid I would have the same problem with my little girl… When she came out to this world, I felt nothing. I felt guilty about it, so the only thing I thought about is to pray. I prayed the Lord that he would help me love this little girl… Morgane is my angel. She is sweet, funny, loving, bright and I could go and on, and on…
The fourth time is when I had this phone conversation with Peta. I decided to go back to Church and this time, I took my children with me… I found myself again, I have since changed job, my relationship with my family keeps getting better by the day… Everything is clearer. My house is full of love… Certainly, there are always things or situation that try to get me off track, but I feel stronger now. The weight has been lifted out from my shoulders… Church is a nice place to be, people who are there are kind, people who are there have good values and they work hard on sharing them with their children… For me, it’s also a place where I can recharge my batteries, I don’t go every week, I try to, but like this Sunday, with Arthur being sick, I couldn’t go… But I know that He is still with me, and that He knows that I think of Him all the time…
I think of Him
- when I see the kindness of my children
- when I see that Other half stands firmly next to me day and night, year after year
- when I see my mom and dad and the values they gave me
- or just in the day-to-day life, where I know I do not need to worry, because He will take care of everything
I know believing in God is not for everyone, but I wanted to share my experience… For me it is a wonderful journey and only wish some of my friends and family could experience it too…
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